This one particular part of your story really struck a chord with me. My mom passed away last year, and we definitely didn’t have a great relationship. The last time I was home with her (two years before she died), she said some very awful things to me in a fit of anger. We didn’t speak for over a year.
We slowly got back to talking through text and a few phone calls a year before she died. I never forgave my mom in so many words, but I did allow her back into my life (coupled with A LOT of therapy). Eventually, towards the end, we got to a place where I could feel true and honest empathy for her again. She died the day before I was coming home to help my sister take care of her through chemotherapy.
Just writing this now has brought back up a lot. I’m still working through the stages of forgiving my mom for what she chose to be for me when she was alive. I’m still working through how to stop blaming myself for what went wrong for my mom in her life; she was a classic narcissist, so there’s a lot of programming I’m trying to undo.
But I will say that this quote gives me hope that I’m moving in the right direction, and even though my mom is already gone, making peace with who she was in life and forgiving her for her faults and insecurities still feels possible having read this.